Miscarriage to Jesus

It has been 3 years since our son went to be with the Lord and after 3 years the Lord has given me the freedom to share of how He is there to bring the comfort, peace, joy, and even rejoicing in the midst of our hardest times. Even at our lowest if we allow God to work in us, He is glorified. It is a privilege and a joy to be able to share how Jesus came to my aid once again with the Balm of Gilead for healing.

The night we miscarried, I remember so clearly. I went to the bathroom and a gush of water came out. I went to get some toilet paper to dry myself and as I looked down I saw our baby still hanging by the umbilical cord. I saw his tiny little fingers and feet drooping towards the toilet water. That was when I knew for sure that I had miscarried and the baby was very much dead. Fear came over me. I screamed or shall I say screeched in agony and pain. I felt my heart had been ripped out and no one could repair the damage. The bathroom door was locked and my love Josiah forcefully pushed the locked door open and came quickly to my aid. I told him that the baby was dead and cried bitterly. I couldn't move as there were big blood clots continuously streaming out of me.

He ran to get mom in the next bedroom over who was already there at the door. She calmly and so peacefully came in. Josiah's father and brothers were there for Josiah who did not know what to do and yet was flooded with peace in his heart because he knew that God allowed this to happen. Within minutes I had mom and my two sisters sitting opposite me on the edge of the bathtub. As we sat and talked together the peace of the Lord came upon me. The Lord truly does bring peace that surpasses all understanding no matter what the circumstance or situation is. I was able to tell mom and my sisters that I believed that the Lord had spoken to me in that He was going to take our child. I did not know that it would be so soon, but I also rejoiced in the fact that the Lord allowed me to carry this little one for the 5 months that I did and prepared my heart for what was ahead.

By the time the ambulance came I was actually laughing and singing. The joy of the Lord truly became my strength. My sisters left the bathroom and went to be with my love and our daughter who had the entire family at his side. It is amazing how quickly the body of Christ comes together when one part of the body suffers. Each member was there ready to step in through prayer, support, silly words or even silence. When the EMT told me to get off the toilet and lay on the floor I started to tremble. Fear, hurt, pain, agony, failure and a multitude of emotions came over me all at once. Yet even still in God's love, mercy and grace He came. In my heart I silently cried out to the Lord and he came to my rescue just like my husband who banged the door open. My mother on her knees lifted my head so that it was in her lap and began to caress my head while reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. Straight away I felt Jesus speaking to me through her. He was holding me. He was caressing my head and bringing me the comfort that I so desperately needed. I felt his fingers wipe the tears from my cheeks. He was the Balm of Gilead ready to heal me both physically and spiritually.

Instead of groveling and falling into self-pity and misery the Lord filled me anew and afresh before I entered the ambulance. On the way to the hospital my body was in excruciating pain and I kept fainting in and out. Yet even throughout the entire trip I felt the presence of the Lord and I knew that He was with me. He touched my lips and I started to witness to the EMT who was almost in tears at the loss of our baby. He kept saying how sorry he was at the loss of our child and in return the Lord had me share how God is the one who gives and takes away lives. Our son was ordained to go and be with the Lord for His purpose and His plan.

There were many times where I had a very hard time dealing with the miscarriage. I couldn't believe that even though I had carried the baby for only 5 months, I love him. I cried myself to sleep many nights and walked into depression too many times because of guilt. I had thoughts where I blamed myself for the loss of our baby, or that I overworked myself in the garden or that I didn't drink enough water. However, through the guidance and sometimes stern correction from those who loved me, I was able to run back to my Father and remember that He was the Lord and it would not have mattered what I did, He allowed this to happen and He was in control. I also had to understand that God was not angry with me and He did not take our son because of something that I did or did not do. I had to accept the fact that He was in control and that He was God. We don't question God's action; we accept it, for as a lady once said, "In acceptance lieth peace". When we cannot accept God's will and plan we find our selves in turmoil. We stop trusting God and the peace of the Lord is gone. But as we accept the will of the Lord, His peace is made manifest in us.

A few weeks later I went on the Internet and came across so many hurting women and men. I read about how so many marriages have been torn apart or were on the verge of divorce because of miscarriage. The moment people mention, 'miscarriage', silence replaces the conversation because people don't know what to say or how to react. It seems that the word 'miscarriage' means hurt, pain, agony, death, bitterness, hatred, resentment and many other meanings because all these emotions seem to relate to what they, their friends or relatives have been through. People get so caught up in the hurt and loss that they do not know that the baby is an unharmed, joyful, tearless living spirit now living with the Lord. Many don't know or realize that the child they carried went straight to the Lord. All that remains is the shell (human body) in which the spirit lived in. These babies will not know pain, sorrow, hate or suffering. They don't even know what tears are or what it is to hunger or thirst. They will never know sickness and disease. They only know that which is holy and righteous. They only know He whom we all hunger and thirst for.... God. Just think about it. They don't know what time is and they are in a place that is so wonderful that you and I can't even comprehend it.

I want to encourage all who have been through a miscarriage or stillborn child. It is not a time of grief but of great rejoicing. With the way that the world is today Heaven is the greatest place they could ever go. Meditate on such things. The Lord can and truly and will turn your mourning into dancing and your sorrow into joy if you allow Him to. It doesn't seem fair but we must trust and know that the Lord knows what is best for us. It is not a time of blaming and building walls by allowing resentment into our hearts for something that we think our husband or wife did or did not do. It would not have mattered how much we did or didn't eat, God is the giver of life and death. It would not have mattered what we did, God opens and closes the womb. God is not a respecter of persons. What He does for one He may or may not do for another. He knows what we all need and does what is necessary for our own good. We can either take the easy way and trust Him and thank Him for all He has done whether we understand it or not. Or we can go the hard way and blame others including God for what we see as a misfortune. Trust Him dear brothers and sisters and instead of running from Him, run to Him and as you do this, Jesus will be the Balm of Gilead. He will bring the healing that is needed physically, spiritually and emotionally.

I may never know why the Lord took our son until the day I go to be with the Lord. Maybe I'll be so occupied and in awe by the presence of the Lord on that day that I may not care or it may seem meaningless. Whether we understand it or not, He is just and His ways are right and therefore I will continue to praise Him and testify of His great love.

A few months ago the Lord reminded me of a vision He gave me in July 2004 (one month before our miscarriage). During prayer one morning He showed me a little boy sitting on the Father's lap. The Lord was trying to show me that a month before the miscarriage our son was already with Him. That little boy on the Fathers lap was our Son. Thank you Jesus.

I praise God that when this happened I was saved for I also know that I would never have been able to cope without my Lord and Savior. The Lord also gave us a family who were supportive, encouraging and helpful in so many ways. This affected every part of our little body of believers for when one part of the body suffers and hurts, so too does the rest. I thank the Lord every day for my husband who supported me the entire way. He gave me the shoulder to cry on and the words of comfort and relief from the Lord. We went through the healing process together trusting the Lord and putting our hope in the Him. Six months later the Lord open our womb again and blessed us with another daughter. It has been 3 years since our son went to be with the Lord and in those 3 years the Lord has blessed us with 2 more daughters and twins on the way. Thank you Lord who is our healer, restorer of all things.

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